The One Where I Drove The Boat

After Highschool, my mom created a new family tradition. Every child gets a trip to anywhere they'd like, within our financial means, of course, to celebrate the milestone of graduating! So its 2019 and my ass finally graduated from college. After 5 long, agonizing years of school, my trip to Florida was well deserved and needed.

June 4th, 2019:

I remember sitting at a table, looking out into the ocean, and thanking God for allowing my family to share this experience. I guess I was really zoned out, because next thing I heard was my mom saying, "Come on yall, I rented a boat" which quickly brought my ass back to reality. WTF! I thought we were going parasailing? I thought to myself, I know its "Hot Girl Summer" and all, but sis we don't know a damn thing about DRIVING A BOAT! Apparently, we all couldn't parasail at the same time. So my mom got the bright idea to go on a boat ride, while my dad and brother parasailed. When I realized that my dad would not be on the boat, I knew then... I just knew something would go wrong. As we waited for our boat and instructor to approach us, my mom sat there with this big grin on her face. My sister was singing some damn song talking about "I'm on the boat!!! I'm on the boat!!" While everybody else with some common sense, like ME, sat there quietly... probably praying, "Lord please don't let our Black asses embarrass ourselves in front of these white people."

So now I will begin to tell this story, from my perspective, as I told it on twitter. And to respect the privacy of others I will use fake na... HELL NAH JUST SO YALL KNOW, IT WAS MY SISTER AND UNLCE!

10:46 pm June 4th, 2019

So my uncle and my sister decided to jump out the boat today... after my mom told them not too.

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Everything was going fine at first. I was on my "Hot Girl" shit and "driving tha boat", but deep down, I could feel something was about to go wrong. It was windy and the waters were getting very choppy. So I made the executive decision to turn around and get closer to the crowd of docked boats and people swimming. I got close enough to where I felt safe and prepared to dock like the others, but unfortunately, we couldn't figure out how to anchor our boat. While my mom and I were trying to figure that out, we hear a big SPLASH...

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Y'all... my uncle jumped his ass into the MF sea.

Not only did he jump in, but he almost got hit by a boat... OUR boat. Why you may ask? BECAUSE IT WASN'T ANCHORED! Thankfully he was ok and made his way around. I calm down and breathe, and for a moment I thought everything would be fine. Five minutes later, still trying to anchor the damn boat, all I heard was... HELP!

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My stomach fell into my ass! I damn near died, because I just know.. I KNOW DAMN WELL this man is not drowning.

All I could say was "OH LAWD UNLCE! SOMEBODY HELP UNCLE!" My mom and I do not know how to swim, so all we could do was panic and pray. Next thing I know, my sister jumped in. Okay cool, she can swim, right? Well yeah, but not in the damn ocean! Within five minutes that choppy ass water was whooping her ass.

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At this point, my mom and I were both helpless. And at some point, I had thrown all the life jackets off the boat. You get a life jacket, you get a life jacket, everybody gets a life jacket! I was so stressed, I dared to ask my sister her preference on how to save her. "Mary do you want a life vest or a flotation device?" Yall should've seen the look on her face! I didn't know what else to do, I was just praying that the Lord would keep them afloat until someone could help. And just like that, the heavens opened and a White Man jumped in the water to save them both! Somewhere, a white man is telling a story about how he had to save our black asses and those life jackets, cause they charge for that.

When I tell yall I was so Embarrassed and traumatized.